Quitting my Malaysian High School

This was originally written on my Wordpress, but since I'm migrating back to this blog (uh huh), I will post it here, with updated content.

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Following your guts always come with the question “do you regret it?”. Up till today, I still ask myself this. To be very honest, yes, I do have some regrets. Now, this was written only for the purpose of informing to those who are having this thought, on whether they should go forward with the decision or not. And also to tell that quitting school or getting expelled doesn't mean you won't have any future.

What I Did

Uncommon in our family, I decided to quit school halfway, where I have about 1 year left to graduate out of the total 5 years. Thinking again, it was around this time (February) in 2010. At the time I had anxiety which led me to depression (I’m better now) so I just followed my guts and do what I thought was the best at the time.

kitty kitty

I still could vividly remember despising school and all of my classmates at the time (looking back, I still don't understand). When the teacher asked me to write something on the board, I literally shook. My whole body was shaking as I was writing, to the point the teacher asked if I was okay. It was because I was super anxious. I decided that I couldn't handle it anymore and just stop coming to school. Several notices and 3 months later, my name was automatically removed from the students list. Yeah basically I was expelled voluntarily (??!?!?).

It wasn’t an easy decision. Facing relatives and friends is much harder than I expected it to be. No one was happy about it. It is shameful. I still remember my dad had asked me if I got involved with drugs. No! I had even stopped using Twitter at this point to hide the fact that I'm school-less because most of my Twitter friends at the time were busy studying. I just couldn't explain why I'm different, so I avoid that question entirely by disappearing for like half a year (okay I know that's not very long, but still, awkward!). And that's how I made almost 100 posts in this blog I believe (some have been deleted) because I just need a place to rant on.

Triumphing

Quitting school didn’t make me abandon education. Instead, I took our national exam (SPM) as a private candidate. In 2011, the rules for private candidates were different where I have to be 17 years old by 1st January 2011 which is a disadvantage for me, since I was born on October. Hence, I took the exam in 2012, a year late to my same-age peers. 

I have plenty of time basically so I arranged my own study time. I worked at our family's shop and would sleep there after studying. Then in the morning I'd cycle back to our home. All of my resources were from the internet. God bless teachers who put up notes in their blogs, you guys were my savior! I also watch YouTube videos to understand further especially with the science subjects like Biology (the only science subject I did well on). Languages, History and Islamic Education were pretty straight forward so I learnt them through blogs, references and textbooks. I still had my textbooks from the school (whoops) so I was able to use them. In 2012, I took 9 subjects for SPM with the other private candidates. Most of them are married with children, and like me, they work while studying by themselves. 

It was a totally lonely journey. During the exam period I'd join this thread in Lowyat forum and write down my experience because I had no one to share my experience to other than Twitter friend Niqah, but still I couldn't write as much. Thinking again it was very sad.

About 3-4 months later, the result came out and it was satisfactory to me, since I know how much effort I put in studying. All in all I did well on 4 out of the 5 core subjects. As for the other core subject, Maths, and other elective subjects, lets just they say were bad news. I still discriminate Maths and Physics to this day.

Diploma

I tried applying for public universities' Diploma under UPU just to test my luck and as expected, I couldn’t get into anything I've applied to. It felt like a rejection at first, I became lost for a few weeks. Suddenly the future feels blur you know, since my target was to enter university. So I thought, I'd just work. 

But! 2 months later I applied for a Diploma programme in a half government-half private university and got in (private unis in general are more lenient)! When there's a will there's a way. Of course the tuition fees were a lot lot higher but, education. I didn't had any problem applying for PTPTN by the way. I guess this is crucial. Because at first I had thought that as a non-school SPM candidate you will be treated differently, but no. Fast forward 3 years later, I graduated under an Education programme. Had my convocation 3 months ago :D

I was somewhere there.

Enrolling in Public University

I tried out my luck again with public university and UPU. My Diploma CGPA was okay so I have confidence this time even though my co-curriculum scores were still embarrassing. I had to wait for a while so I worked! Weird thing happens and I ended up with 2 jobs (ok more like stupidity on my side). Oh, applying for jobs with my non-school SPM certificate wasn't a problem. I genuinely put only 1 year worth of high school attendance in my resume but my employers all didn't look at that I believe and only looked at my Diploma 😂 Or maybe because my result were acceptable. I believe being confidence during the interview is also crucial.

Okay back to entering public universities. One fine day I was working and I checked the result for UPU via SMS. Then, dun dun dun!

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I got in a Bachelor Degree programme! I was over the moon. First, I didn't know it was possible! Because even myself had this little belief that non-school candidates will not be able to get in because of their lack of High School information. But nope, I got in! :D Second, it was my first choice, so I'm super happy. Now, I know my programme isn't prestigious one like Engineering or Medical but I believe if someone works hard enough they'll get to enter those programme under a similar circumstances like mine.

Basically, I've reached my target 2: To enter a public university.

What I Had Regretted From The Decision

1. Due to the time off-school, I didn’t have any close friends from my town. So basically during semester breaks I will be this loner😭

2. I could’ve done better for the subjects I flunked in if I were to learn in school (and get a scholarship, maybe study overseas, something some of my friends do *cries silently at the corner*)

3. The chances for me to get into public institutions through my SPM result are 10% to none. That means I can't get into STPM (as a school candidate), Matriculation, Foundations or Diploma programme under public universities. I didn’t have school co-curriculum scores which is important for placements. This also goes to scholarships as some requires 12-years of schooling with a graduation certificate.

4. Deterioration in relationships. I had a hard time admitting or exposing that I am a school dropout before I took the exam so I was distant with people. Avoiding people was my habit. I still remembered this aunty asked me for my result in early 2012 (people my age took their test in 2011) and I basically smiled awkwardly and told her it's a secret when in reality I haven't took it. It was so hard for me at the time.

5. I had no fond memories from high school, which is highly fundamental for any teenagers in my opinion. When I made my decision, I didn’t think much of this as I was only thinking about “the moment”. I see the importance of this as I took my Diploma teaching course (ironic?).

What I Don’t Regret

1. I began to learn to trust myself. I was able to work so I had my own income. With that I pay for my own stuff, do what I want to do, go where I want to go and learn skills which is useful in university AND working life. As long as I have the will to do it, I will get what I want. I am my own most important supporter.

2. Being off-school and off-teachers makes me appreciate the presence of my course-mates, lecturers and studying overall. I still have my bad days but they are still manageable.

3. I learnt about myself a lot deeper than I thought I would be. Given that I didn't have this experience I wouldn't know what I am capable of. Like, studying without teachers or tutors face-to-face. Or how I'm good in languages and history thingy. Or how crucial mental healthcare is to teenagers, adults, children and everyone in general.

4. I became more compassionate and understanding of what people go through. I believe everyone had their own reason in doing something. Even though I still find myself judging people from time to time, oftentimes few minutes/hours later I'd come to this realization that people faces different things in their life and were instilled to those traits. Naturally they'd act based on those experiences or traits.

Thoughts and Advice

Back in February 2010 (7 years ago!), I still could remember vividly that my mom said – “no one is going to respect you”, when I told her I want to quit school. 

To be honest, it all comes to how you present yourself. If you allow yourself to be looked down on, then you’ll be. But if you work hard then good results will come with it. I suggest watching Flying Colors for students who are facing problems with their education. It really resonated to me.

I am still in my university program and is still learning on how life goes. There are times when we’ll feel like following our guts and if it doesn’t hurt others then why not? Of course, everything comes with a price. Think carefully especially on what might happen in the future. Will you be able to handle them? Will your feelings now be the same as how you feel months or years later? In my case, I ran away from a problem, but other problems came with it. You’ll have to face various things in all phases of life, try to solve them before deciding on anything permanent.

I’m writing this to share my experience on Gut Feeling*. I’m neutral with the topic of quitting school, as long as you know what you’re doing and will be doing, then it’ll be okay. 

Once you quit school, you’ll be all by yourself – and your important motivator to strive further is you. - Me